Dear Whitecoat:
Whatever happened to common courtesy? You can't even watch a movie in peace.

We went out to see the new James Bond picture last week. My date and I paid six dollars each for our tickets, and I won't even mention the popcorn and drinks. Just before the movie started, the seats behind us filled up with a mother, father and their two terrible children. The kids talked through the entire picture, screamed at ever noise, spilled their drinks, whined, complained and went to the bathroom more times than I could count. I asked the mother to quiet her kids; she told me to mind my own business. Aren't there laws against this kind of thing?
-- Angry in Leander

Dear Angry:
There are no laws against stupidity. In situations like yours my advice is always the same: tear the brats' throats out. However, I feel that in this case such a general rule ignores the larger problem. Kill the parents before they breed again. Properly timed, your swift action will get more applause than the movie. When in doubt, remember A Christmas Carol and the immortal words of Ebeneezer Scrooge, "Decrease the surplus population." Christmas is all year round.
-- Rrynikthyan Kef, Whitecoat

Dear Whitecoat:
Our sept Alpha was recently kidnapped and forced to dance the Black Spiral. Now we've rescued him, but we just can't get that annoying Wyrm-stench off him. We've tried everything--Rites of Cleansing, asking spirits, hell, even soap, but nothing seems to work. What do you recommend?
-- Stubborn at the Sept of the Shining Springs

Dear Stubborn:
That annoying stench? Hmm. I sent this one in to the cleaning crew. The answer back was to try a bath of tomato soup--it works on skunk oil, it should work on the Taint of the Wyrm. Lucky you, Young & Smith, Inc., makes a 60-gallon Economy Size can of Tomato Soup. Two of them should fill up a bathtub. Your Alpha will probably want to take his Crinos form. Scrub hard. Evil really works its way into the fur.

Our highly-trained research team, who owns a computer, turned up a Spiritual Welfare specialist in Waco who might be able to help. You can reach her at EvilDoc@blasphemoushorror.net. Alternatively, you may wish to consider pyrotherapy.
-- Rrynikthyan Kef, Whitecoat

Dear Whitecoat:
Never lend money to family. Over the course of years, our family has supported our aunt in San Francisco, loans of money that added up to several thousand dollars. She was an elderly woman, and we never brought legal action against her. Rather, my wife, "Francis," assumed a verbal contract between herself and her aunt.

Eventually our aunt passed away. Both of Francis's siblings received about $20,000 each from their aunt's estate. My wife was left nothing. Is there any way to bring about a more equitable arrangement?
-- Don in Dallas

Dear Don:
Firstly, check and make sure that your aunt is actually dead. I know a Nosferatu in California that pulls this stunt from time to time. Bring a wooden stake with you, though. Auntie might be vicious. Check the sewer.

Assuming your aunt has kicked off, she's obviously beyond legal action. Her wealthy niece and nephew are not. Try a charge of negligence. Where were they when auntie was starving up in San Francisco? Probably forging her signature on her "will." Laughing at you and this "Francis" of yours. The only money they could have inherited was the cash you loaned your dear aunt. How did she die, Don? What did the coroners say? Was she stabbed, Don? Poisoned in her bed, her aged, tired hands twisting with pain? She was alone when she died. Alone, but for the two grinning, laughing faces she once loved. They got you, Don. They got you good. And you never saw it coming.
-- Rrynikthyan Kef, Whitecoat

Dear Whitecoat:
My mother is not a poor woman. She's obsessed with money, and has more than her share of it. No matter how many times we teller her to stop playing the scrooge and enjoy life, she refuses to listen. It's like money is a god to her.

But this October she went too far. It was my daughter's birthday, and she sent her a card with nothing in it! Is ten dollars too much to ask? Little things like that can ruin a little girl's birthday!
--Irked in Idaho

To Irked:
It may seem like money is her god, and stranger things have happened. But you can't hold that against her. I've met Greed personally, and he's a very nice person. But that isn't it -- she's saving her money for a good cause. Your daughter's inheritance. She isn't depriving your daughter, but planning for her future. All those ten-dollar bills yield compound interest -- all payable upon her death. Sometimes all it takes is a gentle hand to help her along -- what good is she doing now? Just think about your daughter's happiness. You love your daughter.
--Rrynikthyan Kef, Whitecoat

Dear Whitecoat:
My mother is 55, and my father, age 76, died last year. They had been married for thirty years. My father was a widower with a young child when they met.

When my father died, my mother spent a few months in mourning, and then married my half-brother! Her grief councilor didn't seem to have a problem with it, but I sure do. This is ethically wrong. Is our society really so morally bankrupt as to condone this?
--Angry

To Angry:
Society is a part of it. But there are bigger things at work in this situation. Forces you cannot begin to comprehend are at work within your mother, and soon she will come full circle, gain the powers of Our Father, and you won't have anything to be angry about ever again. Have a nice day.
--Rrynikthyan Kef, Whitecoat

Dear Whitecoat:
Sometimes in traffic, I get the urge to kill someone. Usually someone who is driving on the shoulder, or driving fifty in the fast lane or who is not using their turn signals. My question is not how to control these urges, but: how can I take care of the offenders without being caught?
--Joseph "Diablo" Pistone

To "Diablo":
Now there's a tough one! How to weed out the sick, infirm and terminally stupid, without being caught. Believe it or not, it's possible. What's more, it's legally possible. While the modern network of legislation is designed to protect that subspecies of humanity, Homo Semisapiens, the modern system of law enforcement most assuredly is not.

My advice: join the high-paying world of the police officer. You're sheriff material, Joe, You can carry a nice sidearm, and from what I understand an officer is required to draw his gun his whenever a possible assailant is in posession of a potentially deadly weapon. Like a Jeep Wagoneer. Stupidity, as I've said before, is not a criminal offense, but driving with a blinking left turn signal for miles on end obviously endangers your life. Happy hunting!
--Rrynikthyan Kef, Whitecoat

(Yes! You too can have your questions on morality, ethics and etiquette answered by a genuine Black Spiral Dancer! Send your issues Thetch Whitecoat at spottylogic@occultmail.com and receive The Answer--maybe not the right answer, but a reasonable facsimile, at least...)